New Year... New Life

I have this pending sense of doom. But I know I'm being ridiculous. Things are starting to look up.

Today is huge. HUGE. I am back in Oregon to pack my things. This is where I really have to move on. This is accepting that everything is different. As simple as it seems to just move forward for me it's not. I hate change. I have the biggest fear of change. But it has to be out the window. So I started by getting bangs today. Bangs like little girl bangs. It's edgy. It's different it's something that I wouldn't normally do. But I did it so it's a start.

So now I'm sitting at a coffee shop by myself and I catch myself looking out this window at an intersection by a restaurant that he and I regularly attended. I look out the window, wondering if I will see him drive by, walk by, go into the restaurant. I'm being ridiculous. I know. Why do I still sit here with hope? Or maybe not hope but wonderment? I don't know what the right word is but it's something and it makes the pit of my stomache ache. I think that's why I have this pending sense of doom. But I want to be strong. I want to show him that I don't need him. Crying doesn't help, he doesn't feel bad for what he is done. All I really want is for him to be sorry. To feel some sense off remorse and that this isn't just something that happens. I won't ever get that but I can be happy. I'm going to start being happy by going out with my friends tonight. The people who really care about me and show me unconditional love (even if in a different form... love is love.) I'm going to look amazing. I'm going to wear a dress I never would have worn and shoes I would have never thought I could pull off and a belt that normally I would think accentuates my flaws and a leather jacket that I wouldn't think was my style. I'm going all out. I'm starting fresh. I'm going to be different. I'm going to have fun with my friends and not worry about anything! That is what I'm looking forward to.

Then tomorrow is the day I go to my house. I will see him. I will face him. That will be my true test. To see how I react. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to be cold to him just like he is to me. I don't care about him anymore. I care about me, and that's what matters most. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to be strong. I will be strong.