I Shouldn't Feel This Way

I think I'm getting better. Every night I write in my notebook and I think I'm getting better. Getting better at accepting that I'm not with him. Getting better at being alone. Getting better at dealing with the pain he caused. Getting better at letting go. But for every 2 steps I take I take at least 1 step back.

Yesterday seemed so good. I'm here in Washington, staying with Dad trying to forget. The flakes of snow fell all night and all day and now there is about a foot of snow. It's almost Christmas. The smell of pine trees filled my nostrils and the taste of sugar cookies lingered on the tip of my tongue. It was Sunday. A family day. A day of relaxation. After dinner we went for a walk. My dad, my stepmom Linda, and my sister Jessica and our 2 black labs Hanna and Hayley. The sky was purple and the air was fresh. The crystal like cutouts fell from the sky in a soft white blanket. The Christmas lights glowed from beneath the snow making the snow look illuminated and beautiful. I should have been happy. I should have resorted to acting like I was 8 again, and school was cancelled and we would make igloos with recycling tubs and all the neighborhood kids would help. But instead I thought of him and 2 winters ago. He, being from southern California had never experienced the snow. It warmed my heart to be able to experience something with him that was so new. He was like a little kid now. I got to show him the ropes. We strolled down the deserted street hand-in-hand. Our cheeks rosy, our bodies chilly. Our relationship was still wonderful and new. He felt like the greatest person I'd ever met. So much older than I (I was 19 and he was 27.) He seemed like the dream I had always imagined, come to life. My stomach had butterflies. My heart beat a thousand miles a minute. I never knew love like this was possible. I never knew you could feel so much for someone. It was the most real thing I had ever felt. I could never be with anyone else, I thought, no one could be as amazing as this man I have. I am so lucky.

When we returned home we were frozen and wet. We hopped out of our soggy winter clothes and into eachother embrace. I never wanted to leave that spot. His arms were all I needed. I have a picture of him sprawled out on the couch in a pair of jeans and his robe open, baring his chest. He has a smirk on his face. I loved that picture. I posted it on my myspace. Declaring to the world that he was mine and he was wonderful.

If I had known that 2 years down the road I would be here, would I have continued the masquerade? Would I have still thought he was an amazing man and felt that I was so lucky? I probably would have. I never thought in a million years he would go far as this. At least if he wanted to break things off he would do it like a man. Like someone who had a soul, or a heart, or a conscious. But I know now, he has none of those things. In fact, I feel like I have no idea who that person is. He's in our house in Oregon. But who is he? He's with someone else, happy as can be. That is not him. Or more accurately, that is not the person I thought I knew.

So, good job. You are are a tremendous liar. You take pride in your manipulation. You win at every headgame you play. You have managed to strike out your conscious altogether. You have wrapped your heart in so much bubble wrap that it is now unbreakable. You have everything you want. Here I am, a pathetic mess, still in disbelief, still not able to let you go completely. You have another play toy already. Someone you can start doing the same things to, and hoping for a different outcome. You still have your home. You still have your best friends, and your family because you won't ever tell them the truth about what you did. You have a car that I finally got a window for. You get all of the benefits. So, you know what? Congratulations for that. Not many people could put together such an extravagant side show. But you did. Bravo.

But if you think that makes you a man, think again. You will get what you deserve. It might not be for a long time but you will get yours. You aren't a good person, you said it your self. And you are right, bad things happen to bad people. Just because you play pretend and put on this mask of greatness, doesn't mean you are. "Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes straight to the bone."